Stay awake

Years ago, when I was newly engaged and a different person than I am now, during a spiritual workshop, students were asked to give one word to describe ourselves. I always sweat under those circumstances. The pressure reduces me to a pile of blubbering mess because, as a writer, I feel I must present just The Perfect Word. While I sweated, the others eloquently mouthed lovely words after lovely words.

I don’t even remember what my chosen word was that evening. But I remember a lovely lady across the room with a couple decades on me.

“Awake. I want to stay awake,” she said.

{Me, too, I thought.}

***

Two or three years later, I was a new mother of twins. A brand new mother — of twins. I was overwhelmed, over-tired, scared out of my mind. I remember spending most of the first four months in my bedroom with the babies, crying. Not because I was sad but because I was totally lonely and exhausted.

One day, my husband — an editor — brought home a book that someone told him to give to me. I hardly remember the circumstances. I only remember the book was given to me and to this day it was the best gift of my life, at least as a mother.

The book, “Momma Zen,” by Karen Maezen Miller changed my perspective 100 percent. Her book didn’t make my days easier. I was still tired, overwhelmed and very lonely but it did change how I viewed that situation. I was alone but that didn’t mean I had feel alone.

{Serendipity.}

***

Now. Yeah, now. Everything’s easier and yet nothing’s easier. I still strive to stay awake. I still strive to keep my thoughts under control. I still strive to walk the middle path of balance between motherhood, womanhood and working motherhood. I meditate. I read. I chant on occassion. I walk the path of peace — except when I don’t.

{I am awake. Or, at least trying to be.}

***

This blog, this site is a reflection of all of these people I’ve been and all that I want to be: Peaceful. Balanced. Loving. Generous. And full of grace.

{Thank you for reading.}