photo by stevendepolo
Family dinners are one of the greatest ways to connect after a long, busy day. It’s the one chance we have to sit and talk as a family. Experiencing that connection on a daily basis is a great way to foster a strong bond to each other.
And yes the kids can get rather silly at the dinner table. For some, it’s like suddenly being on stage after being just another child at school all day. For tired parents, this behavior can be rather frustrating. And, if the day has been really long, it can feel like torture to sit through. So, we try and just survive, snapping when things are really bad, ignoring the rest.
While we won’t be dining in a 4-star restaurant with our children anytime soon I do know that good table manners is important to everyone’s sanity and necessary to foster positive interaction. As I’ve said before, I like happy experiences with my children, not negative ones.
For me, in particular, a quiet dinner is something I really enjoy. I like good conversation while enjoying the food. I like to ask meaningful questions and hear the answers. I like to quiet my mind — usually for the first time all day. Mindful eating is just one of those many things that I try to work on for myself so that I do not over eat or under appreciate the food before us.
For a while, none of this was possible. Then one day, I had an idea!
Manner of the Week.
For two months, we focused heavily on just one manner a week — starting with the one that seemed to be the worst offenders, like talking with your mouth full.
The kids really took to this idea and soon they were coming up with their own ideas for Manner of the Week and we let them choose. We did this for about two months.
No one got punished if they didn’t follow the manner of the week. But we did point out infractions and they almost always quickly corrected themselves. The coolest part was that parents could easily be found guilty of the infractions and charged at the scene by a child — further making it a family learning experience.
The beauty of this process was that after just a few weeks, most of those really annoying things that were making us cringe at the table just disappeared — they melted away like butter. And we never had to use any rewards. Simple teaching moments that everyone could enforce and learn from at the same time so no one felt singled out.
They still don’t always eat their food. Sometimes they complain about meal choice. Now and then, though rarely, they have to be told to sit down properly. But they just turned 6 years old. I can’t expect them to be perfect at something that even I, at times, struggle with {like putting my elbows on the table when we eat.}
But the really bad manners are simply and wonderfully gone.
Here are some of the manners we used during the Manner of the Week as well as some others that could be the focus in future weeks:
Do not talk with your mouth full
Chew with your mouth closed
Do not put elbows on the table
Sit with your bottom flat on the chair
Do not kick the counter
Do not rock on your chair
Say please and thank you
Chew slowly
Do not shove food into your mouth
How to properly pass at the table
Don’t complain about the food
How to use a fork
How to use a knife
Put a napkin on your lap
The list of manners is probably much longer and you can find more resources here and here and here. For our family, the manner of the week has worked wonders. Our girls have very little problems use good manners both at home and in restaurants and eating nicely. I’m curious if you’ve tried to incorporate better table manners in your house and what creative ideas you’ve used to make a big impact.
This is another great post. I like your approach. I know exactly what you mean about dinnertime becoming performance time for children who want attention. My boys are 11 and 13 now, and table manners are still a big struggle sometimes. Failure to use the fork, knife, and napkin properly (or at all) is the most common problem.
I have noticed that their manners are much better in public, so I try to remind myself that they know what to do, and they are simply feeling “overly relaxed” about manners in the company of family.
Rayme — Good point about how they act in public. Still, we like noisy restaurants — just in case. ; )
I love your ideas and the beautiful thing about starting this when the kids are younger is that it becomes habit and continues into their teen years. And, of course, as teens they’d just love to call out Mom and Dad on their bad manners.
One of the things I’ve found really helpful in any attempts to enhance the family dinner is to give a little thought and attention to the time leading up to it. That’s the busiest time of the day; the time when dinner is being made, kids are sharing about their day, homework is being done and people are being chauffeured. It’s easy to get worn out, flustered or cranky. And I find that if I come to the table feeling like that it shoots down any other efforts we might be making and it shuts down conversation instantly.
You are so right, Sandy! Thank you for sharing this.
I’m going to start teaching table manners! My boy needs it so badly.
Ha. All kids — and adults, too, sometimes — need it. After I wrote this post, I told my girls about it and they wanted to start it again. This week’s is using “please pass the __ ” They really respond well to the idea.
my kids are 7 and 5 and i have been struggling. this looks like a good idea.. thanks!
We strive to have our evening meal together as a family but with young children things can be less than peaceful in our house. We’ve talked about good manners but tonight we tried something else I’d pinned. Using a plastic pig which starts in the centre of the table, whoever isn’t using their manners gets the pig. The last person with the pig has to clear the table. Worked a treat with the 8 and 6yr olds but our 3yr old has a way to go
Nichole, I saw that on Pinterest around the same time that I wrote this post. It’s an interesting concept but, honestly, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Hey if it works that’s awesome!! : )