Silver Yes Ring by Ringbinder
When I wrote about having a Yes Day at our house, I was surprised with a couple of very negative reactions.
“Nope, not a good idea,” one commenter on Pinterest said.
“I could not do this with my kids,” another said.
We all do it. We automatically respond with a big fat no — no to our dreams, no to what we might want to do but just doesn’t seem practical, no to this and to that. We especially say no to our children — our innocent, free-spirited children who are constantly seeking fun and playful experiences — experiences that should make us laugh or be silly but seem inconvenient, childish or simply against what society would want us to do.
Plus, one yes leads to more begging. If you give them an inch they will want a mile.
I know, I know …
And yet, I also know that in my own life saying Yes can be the difference between an ordinary moment and an extraordinary moment. Yes can lead to love and peace a lot faster than NOPE, NO WAY, UH-HUH, NO CAN DO. I’m a big fan of peace and calm and believe that’s how children thrive. The less we argue the happier we all are at home.
Part of this Awake journey has been Minding my Nos – carefully understanding the reasoning behind my negative reaction to an idea — any idea, including my own. Often, when I say no {and I say no a lot to the children} I quickly realize my no was an automatic no, which is just a No that was said without thought or reasoning. It was just a spur of the moment response that seems like the right answer at the time because I was too busy to stop and think.
Usually, after just a little thought, I realize my irrational response might have been spoken in haste. And, I simply change it to a yes. This is, according to the experts, the WORST parenting fail in the world, by the way. {We are still happy and my children are still very well behaved, I’m happy to report.}
Still, I’ve been trying to think first, react later — to avoid inconsistency and before any true harm can be done.
The great thing about this process is that it helps you feel good about your answer. You’ve thought it through. You understand the true impact. You can rest easy knowing you made a truly intentional and rational choice rather than a fly-by-the-seat decision.
And, the less Nos we use the more effective they are when we do use them.
Of course, sometimes No has to be No. Such as when the outcome may cause physical or emotional harm to a person or animal or something (like black marker on white couch). It might be No because of lack of resources – like money or time. It might be No because the request does not fit your values or it completely breaks your family rules.
On this journey to Wake Up, I am trying to think before I say no – and I’m also trying to say yes more! The results, much like my gratitude practice, has been pretty incredible. I feel more alive. No is no longer really an excuse for me. By being more open to the Yeses in my life, I’ve met new friends, found new opportunties (hello blog!), finished a novel, taught writing classes and retreats, and many other successes. All of this simply because I woke up one day and decided to say yes rather than no.
The same can go for our time with our children. Will a second cookie really hurt? No — as long as they brush their teeth. Will an extra 15 minutes of TV hurt? No – as long as we run and play for an hour afterward or before. Will telling that same silly story for the millionth time really hurt? No — it’s just how they learn.
Here are a few questions I TRY to ask myself before saying No:
Why am I saying no?
Why am I really saying no?
If I say yes, who or what will be harmed?
Will this issue matter in a month, a year?
How will saying Yes keep peace in this house?
Sometimes, there’s no time to think before a response. That’s OK. When there is time, that’s the time and place to practice intentional reactions. Sometimes, the answer is just No. That’s OK. It might be Yes tomorrow. Sometimes, the Yes should have been a No but there’s not a thing we can do about that. So just enjoy the Yes ride anyway.
What would you like to say Yes to right now? Is there a yes that needs to be said in your life today?
Perhaps someone you love just needs a simple yes, even if not a whole Yes Day.
I love the idea of a Yes day! I am planning one for next Saturday with my kids. Life is too short to be stuck on Nos all of the time.
Fantastic! You are so right. I’d love to hear about your Yes Day … please send me an email, if you wish. Perhaps I will start to feature little profiles of families that hold a Yes Day.
Yes! Well said and so beautifully written. As the mother of two grown sons (33 and 31) and former school principal, I’d like to add that when I did say No I would always try to give a reason that the child could understand. By the way, I’m really enjoying your blog!
Thanks, Jamie! You raise an important point about how we say no can definitely make or break a situation with children — and adults!
Thanks for the new perspective. I truly appreciate it. Even after 15 years of parenting 3 kids (the other two are 12 and 7), I struggle with making the right decisions with them. I find myself saying no because it is my perspective (not theirs). It’s a delicate balance and struggle between wanting what’s best for them and giving them a safe environment to make their own decisions, while respecting their choices and explaining to them the consequences of their actions.
Thanks for sharing.
“Delicate balance” is precise. We all are walking that very thin line between promoting independence and making good choices and making sure they are safe and doing the right things. Thanks for sharing!
One of my favorite things in the world is when I say Yes to my children and hear “Yay!!” because they were expecting to hear No. I love that they risk asking, that they are optimistic enough and respectful enough to ask, even when they expect a No. I love that they are innocent enough to cheer openly when they are surprised with Yes.
I think it reflects real life. We can’t have most of what we want but we keep trying, and life surprises us with good things.
Yes! Yes! YEs! This is very timely. I have been thinking about my “Nos” and seeing what a futile attempt it is in trying to get children to be motivated and live fully. It’s even more inetersting to read this because I have been thinking about my words and thoughts a lot lately. http://thewholeheartedmind.wordpress.com/2012/01/31/mindful-speech-the-word-power-experiment/
I am definitely working on a Yes speech. I have to drop all fears I have that send me into a No spiral.. all downwards. Thank you so very much. I needed to read this.
Great post. We have been very conscious about our No’s with our two children, 6 and 4, from day one. Who can say no to such a delightful baby? You are absolutely right that we say No automatically so many times a day to almost all situations with all people. It takes more effort to decline without a no, and sometimes it takes more effort to say yes, but it is worth it.
Often we want to say yes, but not right then, so we try to say something like, “I would love to do that, right after I finish what I am doing now.” It’s not a no, but it doesn’t mean you drop everything to do what they want to do that moment. And you are right that with fewer No’s, a no means more. Thanks!
I too want to say “yes” to my son more. One of my goals this year is to keep things much more positive at home. We have an incredibly crazy schedule, and my husband can get exhausted and short tempered, so we’re trying to be much more aware of how we react to our Wildman. Our son is 7, and he’s one who likes to push things as far as he can, but I still want to find ways to turn these times into positive ones.
Thanks for a great, encouraging post. I’ll continue reading for sure!
Thanks for your comment. I have one that’s a push-you-to-your limit kind of child, too … I’ve done so much “studying” on how to respond, how not to respond … you maybe interested in tomorrow’s post, actually. Happy to meet you!
Well then I guess I’ll be back tomorrow, thanks!