Inspiring families to find their happy place.

How to have more peaceful family dinners

Photo Credit -- stevendepolo

photo by stevendepolo

Family dinners are one of the greatest ways to connect after a long, busy day. It’s the one chance we have to sit and talk as a family. Experiencing that connection on a daily basis is a great way to foster a strong bond to each other.

And yes the kids can get rather silly at the dinner table. For some, it’s like suddenly being on stage after being just another child at school all day. For tired parents, this behavior can be rather frustrating. And, if the day has been really long, it can feel like torture to sit through. So, we try and just survive, snapping when things are really bad, ignoring the rest.

While we won’t be dining in a 4-star restaurant with our children anytime soon I do know that good table manners is important to everyone’s sanity and necessary to foster positive interaction. As I’ve said before, I like happy experiences with my children, not negative ones.

For me, in particular, a quiet dinner is something I really enjoy. I like good conversation while enjoying the food. I like to ask meaningful questions and hear the answers. I like to quiet my mind — usually for the first time all day. Mindful eating is just one of those many things that I try to work on for myself so that I do not over eat or under appreciate the food before us.

For a while, none of this was possible. Then one day, I had an idea!

Manner of the Week.

For two months, we focused heavily on just one manner a week — starting with the one that seemed to be the worst offenders, like talking with your mouth full.

The kids really took to this idea and soon they were coming up with their own ideas for Manner of the Week and we let them choose. We did this for about two months.

No one got punished if they didn’t follow the manner of the week. But we did point out infractions and they almost always quickly corrected themselves. The coolest part was that parents could easily be found guilty of the infractions and charged at the scene by a child — further making it a family learning experience.

The beauty of this process was that after just a few weeks, most of those really annoying things that were making us cringe at the table just disappeared — they melted away like butter. And we never had to use any rewards. Simple teaching moments that everyone could enforce and learn from at the same time so no one felt singled out.

They still don’t always eat their food. Sometimes they complain about meal choice. Now and then, though rarely, they have to be told to sit down properly. But they just turned 6 years old. I can’t expect them to be perfect at something that even I, at times, struggle with {like putting my elbows on the table when we eat.}

But the really bad manners are simply and wonderfully gone.

Here are some of the manners we used during the Manner of the Week as well as some others that could be the focus in future weeks:

Do not talk with your mouth full

Chew with your mouth closed

Do not put elbows on the table

Sit with your bottom flat on the chair

Do not kick the counter

Do not rock on your chair

Say please and thank you

Chew slowly

Do not shove food into your mouth

How to properly pass at the table

Don’t complain about the food

How to use a fork

How to use a knife

Put a napkin on your lap

The list of manners is probably much longer and you can find more resources here and here  and here. For our family, the manner of the week has worked wonders. Our girls have very little problems use good manners both at home and in restaurants and eating nicely. I’m curious if you’ve tried to incorporate better table manners in your house and what creative ideas you’ve used to make a big impact.

Share

Amaze Yourself and Say Yes More

Silver Yes Ring by Ringbinder

When I wrote about having a Yes Day at our house, I was surprised with a couple of very negative reactions.

“Nope, not a good idea,” one commenter on Pinterest said.

“I could not do this with my kids,” another said.

We all do it. We automatically respond with a big fat no — no to our dreams, no to what we might want to do but just doesn’t seem practical, no to this and to that. We especially say no to our children — our innocent, free-spirited children who are constantly seeking fun and playful experiences — experiences that should make us laugh or be silly but seem inconvenient, childish or simply against what society would want us to do.

Plus, one yes leads to more begging. If you give them an inch they will want a mile.

I know, I know …

And yet, I also know that in my own life saying Yes can be the difference between an ordinary moment and an extraordinary moment. Yes can lead to love and peace a lot faster than NOPE, NO WAY, UH-HUH, NO CAN DO. I’m a big fan of peace and calm and believe that’s how children thrive. The less we argue the happier we all are at home.

Part of this Awake journey has been Minding my Nos – carefully understanding the reasoning behind my negative reaction to an idea — any idea, including my own. Often, when I say no {and I say no a lot to the children} I quickly realize my no was an automatic no, which is just a No that was said without thought or reasoning. It was  just a spur of the moment response that seems like the right answer at the time because I was too busy to stop and think.

Usually, after just a little thought, I realize my irrational response might have been spoken in haste. And, I simply change it to a yes. This is, according to the experts, the WORST parenting fail in the world, by the way. {We are still happy and my children are still very well behaved, I’m happy to report.}

Still, I’ve been trying to think first, react later — to avoid inconsistency and before any true harm can be done.

The great thing about this process is that it helps you feel good about your answer. You’ve thought it through. You understand the true impact. You can rest easy knowing you made a truly intentional and rational choice rather than a fly-by-the-seat decision.

And, the less Nos we use the more effective they are when we do use them.

Of course, sometimes No has to be No. Such as when the outcome may cause physical or emotional harm to a person or animal or something (like black marker on white couch). It might be No because of lack of resources – like money or time. It might be No because the request does not fit your values or it completely breaks your family rules.

On this journey to Wake Up, I am trying to think before I say no – and I’m also trying to say yes more! The results, much like my gratitude practice, has been pretty incredible. I feel more alive. No is no longer really an excuse for me. By being more open to the Yeses in my life, I’ve met new friends, found new opportunties (hello blog!), finished  a novel, taught writing classes and retreats, and many other successes. All of this simply because I woke up one day and decided to say yes rather than no.

The same can go for our time with our children. Will a second cookie really hurt? No — as long as they brush their teeth. Will an extra 15 minutes of TV hurt? No – as long as we run and play for an hour afterward or before. Will telling that same silly story for the millionth time really hurt? No — it’s just how they learn.

Here are a few questions I TRY to ask myself before saying No:

Why am I saying no?

Why am I really saying no?

If I say yes, who or what will be harmed?

Will this issue matter in a month, a year?

How will saying Yes keep peace in this house?

Sometimes, there’s no time to think before a response. That’s OK. When there is time, that’s the time and place to practice intentional reactions. Sometimes, the answer is just No. That’s OK. It might be Yes tomorrow. Sometimes, the Yes should have been a No but there’s not a thing we can do about that. So just enjoy the Yes ride anyway.

What would you like to say Yes to right now? Is there a yes that needs to be said in your life today?

Perhaps someone you love just needs a simple yes, even if not a whole Yes Day.

Share

Welcome to Awesomely Awake

wakeup

I am Abundant MamaWelcome! I am honored you chose to visit today.

Being a parent is hard work – if you’re doing it right. To be Awesomely Awake means to be mindful and intentional but it also means much more than that. It means parenting in your own way and living authentically. It means being creative — and maybe not so much like the neighbors down the street. It means choosing love and peace each day as we interact with the world.

In fact, we’re changing the world here. Spreading peace. Promoting loving engagement with each other.

New here? You can easily get caught up by click here.

Share

Storytelling for tired parents

Do you ever watch a child’s focus when you’re reading a book to them? Do you feel that intimate connection they have with the characters and their actions? It’s magic, really.

As a writer and mother, I want to create that fairy tale experience for my children day in and day out. Is that realistic? Is that even necessary? Probably not.

But, to be honest, I don’t always have the energy to create shimmery experiences. I juggle a lot of things. So when the time comes to tell a story — a fresh, original story — I am often at a loss (even though I’ve written a novel!). I can sit and write anything at any moment in a day but to tell a good story that will stir magic in my children … well, that’s tough sometimes, especially at bedtime.

I’ve been trying to bring back the storytelling experience at home after taking a long break from it simply for no reason other than the kids have been learning to read and that’s so exciting. But, they are also learning to write — and above all, I hope to raise great writers and creative human beings. Anytime we share stories, we create connection. And, as an added benefit for parenting, it sparks imagination.

The truth is ANYONE, anyone, anyone can tell a story anywhere, any place and any time.

{Wow, that’s the magic, isn’t it?}

Stories are great while traveling to school, waiting at the doctor’s office, long road trips as much as they are great for bedtime, quiet time or family time around a blazing fire in the fireplace.

Here’s my list of tips for Storytelling for Tired Parents:

TELL THE TRUTH: When tired, the best stories are the ones that you can tell that are true. But don’t just tell it. Return to that story of your own childhood that is so memorable. Embellish the details, if you must, but tell the real deal. My girls love to hear me tell the story of how I spent a lot of time on my friend’s farm as a child playing super girls and *this* super girl fell into a manure pit while trying to climb a rope down a stone wall. My husband retells the story of a crow that his mother has told the grandchildren many times.

GO WITH THEIR PASSIONS: If your darling son loves dinosaurs — and who doesn’t? — then create a story about a Dinosaur. If your sweet girls love princesses and castles, make up your own fairy tales. I have retold the same story of two princesses that love to read but their books turn up missing after being stolen by the scary dragon in the dungeon a million times and my girls just loved it.

GO WITH YOUR PASSIONS: Maybe you are a new dad and you love fast cars but you had to sell one to get that minivan. Well, stories can bring those fast car days back in vivid ways. Or, perhaps you have a love of nature and the respecting the earth, as our family does, and so set stories around the message that you wish to send to your kids about appreciating the world around them by incorporating those elements.

INVOLVE YOUR CHILD: The thing about raising children {or grandchildren} is that we get to involve them in many things. Storytelling is no different. In fact, giving them most of the responsibility will only promote their imagination and creativity. You can ask your child to pick the character and story line. You give details and when you are stumped — and we all are sometimes — we ask them to give us a new character or a new plot to follow. Clarissa commented on my post 25 Ways to Just Be with your Children with this great tip: “We also tell stories where one of us starts and the rest fill in the blanks. Just random: “Once upon a time there lived a little girl named….(let the kids fill it in) and also a boy named… And their favorite place to go was… And at the _____ they saw a beautiful …, etc. my kids just love it! It gets their creative minds flowing too.” The beauty of this is that almost any age can participate.

PLAY A GAME: One of my favorite games to play with the girls is Remember when … Remember when we drove 750 miles to Gigi’s house and had to stop 100 times (exaggeration) because you were so little and you couldn’t sit for long periods of time? Remember when we took a walk while drinking hot chocolate? Remember when we went on that pirate ship and were shooting water cannons at other pirates? Thus, the magical reminiscing begins and continues and this game WILL go on for a very long time so remember this for long trips. Always save the most effective stories for the hardest times.

USE PROPS: Puppets, stuffed animals, little figurines, baby dolls, Barbies, cars and boats and train sets, action figures, wooden blocks. Use your pets, too. We often use our fish, Swimmy, as a story trigger in the mornings. These are all the starts of deep lands of imaginary characters and places that you can create for your child. Go there with them. Get lost in the land of parking garages and dragon-slaying knights. Once you get started {the hardest part} you will find the magic.

The ideas are pretty much endless. For this weekend, let’s practice bringing back the storytelling.

Here are your Honoring the Family weekend links with storytelling resources. We can be tired but that just can’t be our excuse anymore. We’ll always be tired as long as we’re raising children. Our time to fill their curious minds with our stories, our love is right now.

Bring the Family Together with Storytelling

Simple Storytelling by Simple Kids

Child of Wonder: Nurturing Creative & Naturally Curious Children,” by Ginger Carlson. {She has a great section on storytelling. As well as Yes Days. And asking questions. }

Happy Family Time! I’d love to hear about some of your favorite ways to keep stories alive in your family.

Share